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Sunday, May 18, 2008

Voila I finally had a Hair cut!!! ;-)

Last Monday I went to this crappy old saloon in the outskirts of Coimbatore, it was void of light, air and all other essential elements of survival, I sat there like a scapegoat, there came the middle aged beautician( maybe the Hair-cutter) who looked like he was very much caught up in the wrong job. He was not so friendly, he asked me to remove my glasses (and then I became totally blind), covered me with a cloth (which was wash proof and had a intriguing smell... just like the armpits of Symonds), he then took his kit consisting a comb and pair of scissors (which were actually excavated from mohenjodero), and asked me "what should I do??"

Me- can you do a wake up on me??

The Middle-Aged-Stout-Not-So-Polite-Hair-Dresser- What???

Me- the style which Aamir khan sports in TZP.

TMASNSPHD- You mean Amjad khan in sholay??(In mind voice - !#$%()(**()(!## [read it with whatever obscene words you know in Tamil, Telugu, Spanish or Zoroastrian])

Me- is done by having a lot of even hair in the front and middle portions of the head which is actually made to look like an elongated pyramid, the sides should be shredded well and overall it should have a proportional look on all the sides, and finally we can give a finishing touch using hair gel.

TMASNSPHD- Oh...You mean Summer-cut??

Me- (in mind voice - !#$%()(**)(!## [read it with whatever obscene words you know in Tamil, Telugu, Spanish or Zoroastrian]) Yes!!!!

There was nothing more that I can do. I sat quietly in that rusty old saloon and the middle-aged-stout-not-so-polite-hair-dresser was about to operate on me. And in the mirror I was looking at my face... to be precise I was looking at my hair. I had grown this hair for nearly eight months, and I had fallen in love with it. The very truth that it’s all going to gone in a few minutes sent chills down my spine. I wanted to kill the guy and run outta the place, but couldn’t. I sat there in the same posture with which Siddhartha sat in front of the bodhi. I closed my eyes. I could feel his scissors touching my hair. I shivered. When all this is over, I felt like I am gonna end up looking like Buddha. I felt goose bumps. I sealed my eyes and my mind travelled backwards through the various seasons of my hair growth.

The Scotching Summer

When I mean summer it doesn’t literally translate to the summer season. It refers to the state of mind which I had during the initial hair-growing-days. Now if you are a guy and if you wish to grow long hair the first few months are the most difficult. You will end up looking like a monster or even precise you will end up looking like a Kannada-film-hero (now that is a racial abuse and I really mean it!!! :) ). You have to undergo this bcoz in order to do a straightening you need hair that is at least of palm length. My days were hell. You cannot comb your hair, maintaining it becomes a nightmare, in whatever ways you try to make it look normal in thousand other ways it cheats you. You have to end up hearing all sorts of comments, "Hey you look like Mansoor-ali-khan", "Hey is your name Einstein by any way?",

And the best was from mom- "You look like the lunatic-beggar who used to roam in my village...please don't come out of the house... it will become difficult to get a bride for your brother" (in all ways she tried to disown me from the family...if someone asked her if this is your second son she would say - no we brought this guy from our native village for doing the menial work)

In my workplace it was worse - once my PL said he has started a welfare fund and asked everyone in the team to contribute Rs.2 towards it, when asked why he said “As vignesh has no money to do a haircut, we will be funding him on the regard thereby ensuring the welfare of children and old-citizens". The worst incident happened when we went to a wild life sanctuary in munnar, when everyone else were taking pictures of the forest-deer a couple from Germany were so keen to take a picture with me, and they did it. Till this date I am not sure why they did it. Maybe they thought I was an Indian-forest tribe who came in search of deer-flesh. May be my picture is doing rounds in Germany with the caption "German Couple with a human-look alike". God alone knows!!!

The Breezy Winter

When I mean winter it doesn’t literally translate to the winter season. Just like the winter which has the power to evade all our worries, I was now on the greener side void all worries. You could have guessed it. Whoa... I had a hair straightening.!!!! Shrek just turned back into the prince, E.T just became human, and there was no more worries, comments, insults. Then I tried all kind of looks the Godfather style, Rajinikanth ishtyle, srk stile, with mush, with goatee, with beard, with cap, with band ,with gel, with oil, with petrol the only style I missed was the African style of braiding the hair. It was my answer to all those curios eyes. Then came compliments from all quarters, people asking for tips and following my footsteps, I was floating...

People come up and say "you look like Surya from the back, tom cruise from the left, Clooney from the left, and ----."(Ahem!!!)
Me- Hey gys c'mon ... don insult me..I don wanna look like some crappy guy... , say I look like vignesh from all the sides..I wish to be myself(Ahem!!! Ahem!!! Ahem!!!)

but then there are always the other kind of people, Including mom who said " The old lunatic beggar looks like you when he is drenched in rain... get lost from my sight"( i knew she would never like it her greatest aim is to cut my hair short, place a big 'naamam' on the fore head, make me wear the pant right near my chest like Mr.Thayirsaatham, make me stand in front of lord krishna and sing for salvation.... Grrrrrrrrrr)

But life changed a lot, suddenly you differ from the crowd, and you get that "unique" feeling. And you develop an identity with which people would associate you. It aided my attitude that was to be lonely, independent and to unbelong :).Anyway I was happy enough.

The Autumn Severity

Now When I mean autumn, I really mean it. It was months after the straightening episode, and now the sad truth started to emerge from the mist. I started to shred. :( The hair started to loose all its moisture, straightening fell flat, coz of low maintenance and some manufacturing defects the unthinkable finally happened.................Hair fall. H-A-I-R F-A-L-L was a real night mare. When I got up in the morning I found strands of hair floating around the room, people who used my pocket comb fell in in-fidelity row with their girlfriends, in office I would end up in fighting with a friend over the stranded hair found on the floor ...if its mine or hers. Then people came up with all sorts of reasons one even said that it was all because of global warming!!! (Actually I am happy.. no one said it was bcoz of - India not signing the nuclear proliferation treaty). I got nightmares in which I ended up looking like a bald T.Rajendar!!!.The sad reality had finally set in and my options were too thin. Either maintain the hair well or do another costly straightening or else CUT THAT SH**. It was when I made this historically important journey to Madurai... and the rest as you all know is history.From the moment I entered into the house mom just said these three words cut-your-hair!!!

Me - Amma there is no salt in the sambhar.
She - cut-your-hair then ill put salt!!!
Me - Amma I cleared my confirmation exam in my company.
She - cut-your-hair then speak bout work!!!
Me - Ok I am in love and I am gonna run away with this girl from nagaland
She - cut-your-hair then runaway with anyone!!!
Me - I am gonna suicide by drinking this toilet-cleansing acid
She - cut-your-hair and then go die!!!

Enuf. After hearing it over for 65,342 times I packed my bags, fled from the house and left to Coimbatore to my grandmas place. But I still made a mistake... I called her!!!
Me (over the phone)- Amma I reached safely by 11am, mama picked me up from station.
She- cut-your-hair then call me again!!!

that was the limit... I started to hear these words Please-cut-your-hair inside my brain all the time, I started to fell mentally ill, I got no sleep or dreams. The only solution was to cut-my-hair. And thats how I am here sitting blindfolded in this crappy old saloon owned by the middle-aged-stout-not-so-polite-hair-dresser

Back to reality.

The process was very quick, maybe I lost some accumulated weight, he shook,bang,pulled and tortured me to all extents. I kept my eyes closed I could feel the huge chunks of hair that kept falling all along, and finally there was a long silence. I avoided the mirror, looked at him - he gave me looks like he had just done a brain transplant to an orangutan.

I handed him the bucks, took my bike and travelled back home. I dint have the nerve to touch my hair nor see it in the rear view mirror. I knew the guy would have done things horribly wrong. I came home and people looked at me with at most concern, some eyes said cho!!cho!!cho!!... some uch!!!uch!! uch!!. I was about to break, I lost the hair which I grew for more than 8 months, I lost the attitude specific to the long hair grower, I lost my identity. Now I am loosing my mind.

Finally I got the guts to face my fate, went into the bathroom and looked reluctantly into the mirror..............WHOA!!!!! The middle-aged-stout-not-so-polite-hair-dresser is a genius. He did it!!!! He has done a wake-up on me and it looks better than that on Aamir. It looks perfect and I cry over with joy. The guy totally reinvented me. I curse my self for not thanking him. My new avatar is far better than my old one and is gonna make people turn heads, Vignesh now has a brand new look and a brand new hairdo. Voila for middle-aged-stout-not-so-polite-hair-dresser, Voila for Vignesh, Voila for the new lease of life!!! :) :) :)

P.S: :-((((( Actually things went horribly wrong. If you had believed what i wrote in the climax portion.... May god bless you!
P.S2: If you had read the whole post in one sitting, please send me your Acc number I will reimburse your internet cost!!:-)))))


>>Jass said...

Haha! Some account of getting an hari cut :P

Will-o'-the-wisp said...

that was hilarious!!!!
btw... i plan to get my hair straightened soon.... and i guess i've found the right guy to give me some insights and tips. :P

P.S: i read the entire post, so now i'm entitled to that reimbursement tht u hv mentioned.
i shall mail u my a/c no. soon... :P

umakumar said...

hi vignesh,
my acc no is 00089654321
have it fwd..
i read it ...hilarious...funny look at such a mundane activity(
kasu kuduthu blog padikka vaikira blogger neengalathan irupeenga)

at my home i have 2 people sporting a new hairdo little son who had his first tonsuring (as he is 11 months) and my hubby too is mottai as he wanted to give my son company...

crazyBugga said...

it took me sometime to convince my grandmom to open the door after i came back from my haircut. [:)]

she said - "dei krishna! neeya da? adayaalamae theriyalae!"

Vignesh.r(edux) said...

The reimbustment was just a marketing trick :)... now as it has back-fired i take it back :)

thanks buddy... do drop in once a while.

Help from me??You gotta look at my state now! Don add insults to my injury..:(

Jus kidding... d best advice is to
forget the cost and get to the best shop availabe in town..
Else you have to end up like me...i.e

after 'feel'ing the heat @ chennai i wish to go back to the crappy saloon and get my head shaved:)

Cheers for ur son and hubby.. they knew it 4 visiting!!!

I grandma always gave me the looks like "I was involved in a Ganja-smuggling racket back here in Chennai"

She was relieved only after i had this Shitty haircut.. thanks for dropping by...:)

Umesh Karthy Loganda said...

Hilarious.. Thats the word to describe it.. Read this post with people around...

They are amazed to read this wierd genius... [:D] thy are eager to meet this monster with balls.. [:D]

i guess the guys here would read u more n more now.. Voila to the new fans too !!!!

n the best part is, for aspiring new hair-do doers, this post would have roused lotta questions and answered them back to back on its own. awesome. Rocking post!!

Vignesh.r(edux) said...

Thanks for being an evangelist da...:) unnaku epdi nandri solla porenu theriyalaye!!!

voila to umesh,the guy who has stood by the blog from the very first post!!!

vijay said...

Actually i have a notion that Umesh was planning to grow his hair.. But after reading this post he has decided not to.. lol :-)

Umesh Karthy Loganda said...

@ Vijay: Did u think i am a looser?? I am still growing it. ;)

Poraduvom Poraduvom, Mudi Kottum Varai Poraduvom....

@Vignesh: Kudos man. I'll always stand by your side. :) But weeks are becoming longer and tired working with American dumarses... Getting back to the night work mode.. So expect some delay in furhter comments.

Milinta said...

hey stumbled upon this post by accident... Sooper!! especially liked those encounters with your mom... ;-) lightened up a dull tuesday afternoon! Off to read your other previous posts now :-)

The N03 said...

you have another fan in me. That was awesome stuff from you man..whole night..[infact extremely early morning now], i have been reading ur posts..just awesome.. pakka MBA (Master in Bait Administration)..when you got enought clients to ur blog, you take the offer back. very bad very bad !! :)

Vignesh said...

Hey No3, thanks for you time. Im indebted!!

And cheers dude even i am awake till now... working on my next post:).. so read it too and lemme know ur comments.. :)

And sincerely thanks 4 your time:)

My Musings said...

Like symmonds, you have good sense of imagination , humour and also good olfactory sense too.
Hey never knew that it takes just one session of hair cut to bring out the Buddha in us.

And would love to have a hair do like you, am all balding now, so shud forget that.

I did read the post in one sitting. Will mail u ma A/c no. Would be of great help now, dad is seriously planning to disown me on two grounds, High maintenance and ma bank balance being the fastest depleting resource…

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